Monday, April 21, 2008

Unwritten man codes: A discourse on the masturbation argument, merosexuality and other stuff men should know about

I’ve been a little too serious and goody-two-shoes-y the past few months so I’ve decided to be a bit crass again. My latest vids may have given you the impression that I’m a boy when in fact, I’m a man… a very manly man. I pick at least 20 fights a day and I always break the other guy’s nose… or skull... and ego, most definitely

Since I don’t wanna offend certain groups of people …too much, I would first like to say that I have nothing against gay people. I totally respect them unless they’re begging to be disrespected. However if you prefer to call yourself a straight guy, you have to follow certain protocols lest be labeled a poser. The man-race is an exclusive club in which only strict followers of its rules may apply

A few rules/protocols and terms that every man should know:

The masturbation argument
masturbation argumentThis is the most sacred of manly protocols. Most men know this innately. However, those of us who weren’t schooled properly in the art of manliness may still disgracefully ask the question “what is the masturbation argument”.

According to manly protocol, if ever a man should ask you that question, you may be allowed to ask questions about his sexual preference or the size of his member. Also, you may be allowed to kick him in the balls for he is a disgrace to the sacred man race.

So what is the masturbation argument? …A man may touch himself in a sexual manner and he will not be considered a traitor to the man race. Should a man be gifted with the flexibility and the dimensions to satisfy himself through oral means, he will not be considered a traitor to the sacred man race. And should a man be attracted to himself, he will also not be considered a traitor to the man race. In summary, the only man who may be allowed to be attracted to himself or touch himself in a sexual manner is himself. Once this rule is violated, a most distasteful and revolting act will have been committed and the offenders will be irrevocably excluded from the exclusive man club.

A most distasteful violation of the masturbation argument


  metrosexualA man may be allowed to pamper himself to a certain degree. He may be allowed to use hair products to a certain extent, he may be allowed to use artificial odor enhancers to a certain extent, he may be allowed to occasionally shop for expensive clothes to a certain extent… key words are “To. A. Certain. Extent”. Too much “fashion sense” for a guy is never a good thing. When a guy starts wearing make up and powder, when he starts spending hours and hours in front of the mirror prepping himself up; and when his clothing starts to remind you of a peacock, he has definitely crossed the border

On sitting or standing next to each other:

when two men are sitting or standing next to each other, they should always be aware of their proximity to each other. There should always be space between them. This rule should be followed more strictly if you are not in a large group and you only have each other for company. This knowledge should be innate in most men, however there are men that for some reason unknowingly violate this unwritten protocol, in public, offending the sensibilities of properly raised men around them. Two men sitting next to each other like cute little love birds perched on a branch is not a very pretty sight as is exemplified by the picture below

manly protocol

On touching another guy:

A straight man should never touch another guy gently. If he must make physical contact with another guy, there must be force. He may give the other guy a powerful slap on the back or a fist to one of his shoulders. Punch him in the abdomen or chest area.

On speaking:

When speaking, a man must always exude masculinity. This is something I recorded a long time ago but just to demonstrate to you, my curious reader, what a real man should sound like...

Test your Gaydar:
Now that I’ve educated you, we will now test your gaydar to determine if you are aware of other unwritten manly protocols. Look at the picture below
gay, offensive
If your gaydar is working properly, you don’t have to examine this picture too closely to know that this guy doesn’t belong in the club. Let us examine a few of his violations.

1.) Skinny tee with a picture of mighty mouse:
when wearing shirts, save people the discomfort of seeing your nipples. Also, if you have to wear shirts with cartoony pictures, make sure it’s not in public
2.) Overly eager face with eyes and mouth wide open:
Frequent violators of the unwritten man code have this common facial expression that seems to say: “i wanna put something big in my mouth” If you wanna belong to the club, avoid making this facial expression
3.)Can you name some of his other violations? Post your comments


Anonymous said...

His hair is a direct violation of man code.

Anonymous said...

lol@i wanna put something big in his mouth. Metro sexuals suck. Both gay and straight men dont like them.

Anonymous said...

he's a puny little wimp with no muscle. skinny little femmy bitch.

maybe if he bulked up a bit, stopped drowning his hair in sticky gel and stopped making that face that screams "i'm in touch with my femme side and proud of it", then he wouldn't look so much like he's eagerly waiting to get fisted to the elbow.

nothing wrong with gays, but this metro shit is an abomination to the human race.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.