Unwritten man codes: A discourse on the masturbation argument, merosexuality and other stuff men should know about

I’ve been a little too serious and goody-two-shoes-y the past few months so I’ve decided to be a bit crass again. My latest vids may have given you the impression that I’m a boy when in fact, I’m a man… a very manly man. I pick at least 20 fights a day and I always break the other guy’s nose… or skull... and ego, most definitely

Since I don’t wanna offend certain groups of people …too much, I would first like to say that I have nothing against gay people. I totally respect them unless they’re begging to be disrespected. However if you prefer to call yourself a straight guy, you have to follow certain protocols lest be labeled a poser. The man-race is an exclusive club in which only strict followers of its rules may apply

A few rules/protocols and terms that every man should know:

The masturbation argument
This is the most sacred of manly protocols. Most men know this innately. However, those of us who weren’t schooled properly in the art of manliness may still disgracefully ask the question “what is the masturbation argument”.

According to manly protocol, if ever a man should ask you that question, you may be allowed to ask questions about his sexual preference or the size of his member. Also, you may be allowed to kick him in the balls for he is a disgrace to the sacred man race.

So what is the masturbation argument? …A man may touch himself in a sexual manner and he will not be considered a traitor to the man race. Should a man be gifted with the flexibility and the dimensions to satisfy himself through oral means, he will not be considered a traitor to the sacred man race. And should a man be attracted to himself, he will also not be considered a traitor to the man race. In summary, the only man who may be allowed to be attracted to himself or touch himself in a sexual manner is himself. Once this rule is violated, a most distasteful and revolting act will have been committed and the offenders will be irrevocably excluded from the exclusive man club.

A most distasteful violation of the masturbation argument

Metrosexuality:

A man may be allowed to pamper himself to a certain degree. He may be allowed to use hair products to a certain extent, he may be allowed to use artificial odor enhancers to a certain extent, he may be allowed to occasionally shop for expensive clothes to a certain extent… key words are “To. A. Certain. Extent”. Too much “fashion sense” for a guy is never a good thing. When a guy starts wearing make up and powder, when he starts spending hours and hours in front of the mirror prepping himself up; and when his clothing starts to remind you of a peacock, he has definitely crossed the border

On sitting or standing next to each other:

when two men are sitting or standing next to each other, they should always be aware of their proximity to each other. There should always be space between them. This rule should be followed more strictly if you are not in a large group and you only have each other for company. This knowledge should be innate in most men, however there are men that for some reason unknowingly violate this unwritten protocol, in public, offending the sensibilities of properly raised men around them. Two men sitting next to each other like cute little love birds perched on a branch is not a very pretty sight as is exemplified by the picture below

On touching another guy:

A straight man should never touch another guy gently. If he must make physical contact with another guy, there must be force. He may give the other guy a powerful slap on the back or a fist to one of his shoulders. Punch him in the abdomen or chest area.

On speaking:

When speaking, a man must always exude masculinity. This is something I recorded a long time ago but just to demonstrate to you, my curious reader, what a real man should sound like...

Test your Gaydar:
Now that I’ve educated you, we will now test your gaydar to determine if you are aware of other unwritten manly protocols. Look at the picture below

If your gaydar is working properly, you don’t have to examine this picture too closely to know that this guy doesn’t belong in the club. Let us examine a few of his violations.

1.) Skinny tee with a picture of mighty mouse: when wearing shirts, save people the discomfort of seeing your nipples. Also, if you have to wear shirts with cartoony pictures, make sure it’s not in public
2.) Overly eager face with eyes and mouth wide open: Frequent violators of the unwritten man code have this common facial expression that seems to say: “i wanna put something big in my mouth” If you wanna belong to the club, avoid making this facial expression
3.)Can you name some of his other violations? Post your comments

Read More......

Of dignity and men

If there is one thing that a self respecting, properly bred man should hold on to to the utmost of his ability, it’s his dignity. It’s the invisible currency by which men judge each others’ worth. Some men naturally have more dignity than others. Some don’t have any at all to speak of. Dignity is a commodity that may be lost or gained in a lot of ways

A man may gain dignity by shrewdly asserting his superiority over other men, preferably in public. He may also gain dignity by acquiring a superior specimen of the female species and then brandishing her about to his friends. A man would most definitely gain dignity by acquiring an expensive car, preferably a convertible where his female could be displayed more effectively.

The disintegration of manly dignity may may be attributed to different factors. Mostly, it's accidental in nature, sometimes it's consciously self-inflicted. The form of disintegration of dignity that I’ll be discussing at length here, is the form which is brought about by “external factors” –That is, other men. Men have different defense mechanisms when they feel that their dignity is being threatened. Some resort to juvenile name calling, some try to defend their dignity by publicly feeding their ego and some just do it the old fashioned way, through brute force. I shall explore these defense mechanisms in greater detail for your education. As is the case with my other articles, this isn’t just senseless blabbering. You’ll actually learn from this article, people, so read on

Wimps such as the one pictured above, naturally lack manly dignity and should not be seen in manly sporting events or anywhere within the sight of the general public

1.) Name calling: In any argument in a civilized setting, verbal callousness is generally frowned upon. If you blatantly call someone “dim-witted” and you have nothing to support your case …and you’re talking to a girl, not only will people think of you as intellectually unsophisticated but probably lacking in breeding as well (see comments on the article atheism vs agnosticism for examples)

Unbeknownst to the common man, there is actually an art to insulting people without making yourself look dumber than the person you’re insulting. Diplomacy can be used as a weapon but it takes skill to wield, young padawan. So read and learn. Indirect attacks powered by wit and sarcasm are the equivalent of a clean jedimaster double lightsaber swoop in the world of higher argumentation. Instead of saying “you’re dumb”, you may say something like: “Your argument formulation and Your propensity for juvenile, invective comments fondly remind me of my arguments with my adorable 5 yr old little brother" .…or something similar. Just make sure that that the words you choose should be such that your adversary won’t understand anything.

Make sure that you posses more wit and charm than your adversary before going this route otherwise, things may horribly backfire. Ego Bruising caused by witty verbal attacks take a lot longer to heal than bruising caused by even the manliest of sucker punches. I mean how many people take on chris rock publicly?

2.) Ego preservation: certain men may feel that they should prioritize defending their ego more than attacking their opponent’s. These men therefore shamelessly feed their ego in public with complements that only make sense to them. Unless you have humor in mind, it is highly inadvisable that you flatter yourself in any serious manly argument.Wait for the other guy to lay the seeds for self-flattery himself. Don’t say “my IQ score happens to be 127”. Wait for him to ask what your IQ is first. Self flattery in a verbal fight can make you look a little pathetic.

to understand the humor, refer to one of my previous articles

3.) Brute force: When a man’s wit just isn’t sufficient to defend his dignity, he usually resorts to measures that are more physical in nature. Like verbal argumentation, physical argumentation should also be done with finesse. The initiator of a fist fight would always be looked upon by the learned crowd as brutish and uncivilized. Therefore you must know how to subtly manipulate things so you’d look like the good guy with a good cause. A good, strongly worded one liner of an opening move delivered in a tone faintly reminiscent of a line in a Shakespearean play may be necessary. “What!? I’m a son of a bitch eh? I will not stand Idly by while you insult the honor of my mother!! I shall now proceed to beat you to a bloody pulp”

One must not engage in a fist fight without knowing the proper fighting form. That is, with both fists up, torso erect and head facing towards the enemy. This is not just so you may fight more effectively but also so you will not look wimpish in front of the growing crowd of gawkers who will obviously cheer for the fighter with the better form. If the brawl isn’t going in your favor, let the crowd step in a little bit. Give them enough room to restrain both you and your adversary ...of course you must protest a little bit “don’t stop me he insulted my mother!!!”

It’s a pitiful sight When a man’s dignity disintegrates before his eyes and he can’t do anything about it. So remember, if the ego is threatened by a competing ego, defense and crafty offense are always necessary. Of course self-inflicted disintegration of manly dignity is slightly harder to correct

ugh!! Dignity disintegrating ….must pretend nothing happened …

manly dignity humor funny

Read More......

Worst Jobs/video clips of the day

I am supposed to take my OJT this year. I don't think I will I just can't see myself applying for a job. I can't see myself working for anyone. I'm worried that I might have to seriously maim someone while trying to argue the finer points of respect -ing me

It's just incompatible with my philosophies in life which are: "Employment is like slavery", "Bow to no master", and "world domination is the only way to go". Besides I asked my mentor stewie and he said it was highly inadvisable

I guess I don't mind taking orders from anyone ..as long as they call me sir and they really beg for it, on their knees while making pitiful little noises like little puppies desperately begging for food.

But I'll have to take my OJT at some point and as they say, to appreciate whatever situation you're in, you have to look at people who are in a worse situation. So here's a list of some of the worst jobs on the planet

Roman Catholic Priest: No offense people but to each, his own right? It's bad enough that they have to dedicate their lives to a fruitless, pointless cause, that they have to be goody-two-shoes-y all the time and that they have to talk latin while singing while preaching to a crowd of very sleepy people ...It's bad enough that most of them were born as gay, pedophiles ...Why the do they also have to practice abstinence for the rest of their miserable lives? that is just inhumane, people!!! The average male shouldn't be able to last more than a month without ejaculating. You're gonna turn these people into rapists

Years of dedication to Catholic doctrine gave father Mateo a permanent boner which accidentally impregnated sister dorotea

Flyer people: You know those people you see in malls handing out flyers? Some of them look relatively presentable, like they were well-schooled and yet people from various walks of life treat them like they're scum of the earth. I pass by these people regularly and let's just say that the average alcoholic overweight bum gets more respect than them. Pitiful really

Johny gaydude, the slightly effeminate rejection addict, enjoys getting shunned and shooed by random people

Human lab rat: One would wonder as to the underlying motivations of well schooled students who participate in relatively unpleasant extracurricular activities like testing pesticides and harsh chemicals on their faces for relatively paltry sums of money. Maybe they get good incentives from their professors for volunteering or maybe they're animal rights activists campaigning for equal rights for both humans and animals or maybe it's genuine concern for scientific progress. Whatever their reasons may be, you have to give it to these brave souls for giving up their dignity as a human being for the betterment of humanity or the advancement of the cosmetic industry as a whole

Brandon contemplates the future of science, animal rights and the collective welfare of mankind while submerged in a pool of highly cancerous pesticides

Elephant masturbator: No I'm not inventing this people. This is an actual occupation for some very luck-deficient people. This is how they make baby elephants at the zoo, in case you haven't heard. Yes it's a highly emasculating job that may be a little hard to describe to people without them laughing. "The elephant masurbator stands on a stool behind the elephant and shoves his entire arm DEEP into the animal's ass until he reaches the prostate, which he procedes to massage vigorously until the elephant ejaculates all over the place. It's all collected in a bucket."

Shawn-the- illiterate-boy's dorky smile soon gets wiped off his face as soon as he realized elephants only have one trunk and they go at the front

Flatulence analyst: The scientific nature of the job means you're spared from what would otherwise be the very literal and colorful description, Fart smeller, which is a potentially life scarring designation. He can also poke shots at the elephant masturbator who didn't get the privilege of getting a rosier title. The flatulence analyst gets to sample various odors from various people with various gastroenterological dilemmas that make their gaseous emissions smell like anything from moldy pumpkins to gasoline. With enough training, the flatulence analyst should be able to diagnose with a fair degree of accuracy the problem of the owner of the ass from which the flatulence came. Why buy a million dollar diagnostic machine if you can hire a strapped for cash lad to do the dirty work for a very cheap sum?

Yup methane is combustive

Read More......

The gentleman's guide to the MRT/LRT

This article was also published at the man blog

I know many of you have wondered at some point in your life “What is the unwritten code by which gentlemen regulate their conduct in the MRT and LRT” After reading some entries in some blogs which were apparently written by 12 year old kids who haven’t got the slightest clue about gentlemanly conduct, I thought it’s about time to hear things from a gentleman’s point of view

For the uninitiated, there are currently 3 railway transits in metro manila. MRT runs along edsa and is usually the most packed. LRT2 is the most recent, the most spacious and most aesthetically pleasing (in terms of the actual infrastructure and the people who patronize it) LRT would be the least aesthetically pleasing (in the same sense as above)

Without further ado I shall now present to you the bushido of gentlemen riding the MRT

On conspicuous odors
The ambience in the MRT can be quite odiferous especially in the latter part of the day. You may find yourself savoring the very rich scent of the very fine gentleman standing a few inches from you. Gentlemanly protocol forbids you to make rude gestures or noises alerting him of the scent that emanates from his hairier regions. I believe the most polite and prudent action would be to give him a complement. Something like “Excuse me sir! I like that fragrance you’re wearing. Is that vinegar-scent?” I will illustrate the effectiveness of this approach with the picture below

As exemplified by the image above, this approach will always lead to a cordial exchange of pleasanries

On giving seats

Social protocol demands that everyone should give seats to the elderly and the physically disabled and that men should give their seats to women in addition to the aforementioned groups of people

I consider myself a strict follower of these protocols. I almost always give my seat to the elderly or any aesthetically gifted member of the female sex …and the not so aesthetically gifted sometimes. But there are times when the desire to follow protocol is outweighed by the desire to keep your seat. The most common approach to this dilemma is to feign sleeping

Sometimes though, there can be protests and they can be quite verbal and more than sufficiently audible. There was a time once when I was quite exhausted and didn’t feel like giving my seat to the very well built and compact woman standing in front of me right away (I would’ve given her the seat in a few mins) She started very eloquently spouting words that seemed conspicuously targeted towards me like: “I do that too. Sometimes I also PRETEND that I’m asleep” If such a case should occur, you should hold on to your seat even more.

Reason #1: if you gave her your seat, that would highlight the fact that you were never asleep in the first place since you heard her.

Reason #2: Impolite women do not deserve a gentleman’s seat anyway. Seats should be given freely not demanded.

The most prudent course of action would be to pretend you’re asleep until you’re near your destination. At which point, you should act like you were suddenly awoken by your phone vibrating. Immediately scan the surrounding area for a female who is more deserving of the seat. -offer her the seat. Stand up, lightly brush your shoulder against that of the less than courteous woman and Proceed to depart from the train.

On segragation

Many a gentleman would scoff at the segregation scheme that they’ve recently implemented at the MRT and LRT1. Some of them are mildly irritated by the fact that the first cars where the ladies are situated are quite vacuous. while gentlemen are forced to less than comfortably cram themselves in the following cars

^the exclusive for girls first car

^A rough estimate of the conditions in the following cars

Some of the more hormonally active of us gents can be seen scratching their heads and looking at the people around them, confused. Almost unintelligibly muttering words like “Who am I supposed to grope now?”

^Isolation from the opposite sex can bring about homosexual tendencies in some men

Unlike them however, I happen to enjoy this new setup. Sure the visuals aren’t nearly as appealing and the odors slightly less than pleasant but should an accident happen I’ll most certainly be glad that I’m not in the first car. I also don’t have to hopelessly compete with ladies for seats anymore. Since there are very few ladies, you are allowed to use methods that are a bit removed from the realm of elocution. The art of physical persuasion can be used to greater effect. A fellow gentleman may be slightly annoyed by this approach. If his protests start to bother you, you may start asking questions about his sexual preference or the size of his member. Should this still fail to settle the argument, your elbow could then be used as a more effective tool for argumentation than your mouth.

Should you ever find yourself in the tabloids for your very gentlemanly conduct, don’t forget to mention that you got your manners from me

tags: manly decorum, MRT, LRT, bushido of manliness

Read More......

The gentleman's guide to being emo

It just came to my attention that I’ve been such a wuss the last few months. Since I am a gentleman well schooled in the art of manliness and uber intellectual vocabularism, I will not call it emo. I will instead call it “A slight perturbation in my state of almost constant positivity and manliness”

We’re all human and we all occasionally suffer from bouts of depression and whatnot. What every man should know is that you can be slightly emotional without being a sissy. Here is the man’s guide to being emotional without being a sissy

Resist all temptation to listen to Barbara Streisand or any form of overly mushy music-that is a deep hole you can never get out from. You might as well wear a skirt and scout Qav for man-whores while wildly waving your arms in the wind like a sex crazed homo. Instead listen to some pantera and feel the “manliness” slowly seep back in your veins

It’s a steep slippery slope to gaydom from here

Resist all temptation to stare at the horizon with a melancholic face and slightly teary eyes. That’s open invitation for some butt kicking if you’re in the right location. Poker is the keyword here

This is something that all self respecting men know by heart. Never, for any reason, cry in public. If you just can’t hold it anymore, point at a slightly less than pleasing face in the crowd, point at it and laugh …this should effectively mask your tears as those resulting from extreme amusement.

Should the loneliness ever become unbearable, you may be tempted to go on whoring sessions. Never go to quiapo to satisfy your urges. There may just be a reason why the girls there would sleep with you for 50 pesos. I don’t go whoring (I don’t need to, unlike most writers, I’m actually endowed with good looks) but if you’re desperate might I suggest maalikaya in cubao or a certain establishment that cab drivers know very well near the intersection of edsa and Quezon avenue …not that I patronize those establishments. I just heard about them from a friend

Should the loneliness become extremely unbearable, you may be tempted to put an end to your existence. Someone could write a full length guide about that but let me just get straight to the point. If you’re really dedicated and you really wanna add shame to the family name, Carbon monoxide is quick, clean and painless. Plus it gives your corpse a healthy pinkish glow. Just make sure you off yourself in the first try because people are gonna label you a sissy, emo, unstable boy. then they’re gonna refer you to a psychiatrist and you don’t want that.

…Men should never put themselves in such a position in the first place. Dump before you get dumped

This article was originally posted in my other blog infidel boy in blabber mode

Read More......