Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Be a gadget freak without losing money

tags: gadgets, guide, tips, gadget freak's, secret
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Scan this article from top to bottom. Check out the pictures. Yep all those gadgets are mine or were once mine. Profusely excessive you might say. I would disagree. I spend a lot on gadgets but I’m not actually losing money. In fact it’s quite the opposite.
Here are some basic things that you should know about so you can get all the gadgets you without losing a lot of cash. The basic principle here is to try to keep the monetary value of all your gadgets, more or less, at a constant. Let’s say you have 200k worth of gadgets right now. If you keep those gadgets for 3 years, the value might go down to 80k or maybe even lower. But if instead of keeping them for that length of time, you convert them to cash before they depreciate and then convert the cash to gadgets again, you’ll always have close to 200k worth of items without infusing extra cash.

Read and learn…

Brand new and 2nd hand value: The price difference between brand new and 2nd hand units for certain items like ipods, can be relatively small. (There was a time when brand new ipod videos sold for 11500 and 2nd hand units sold for just 10k) while it can be pretty significant for certain items like minidv camcorders. As soon as it leaves the electronics shop, the minidv camcorder that you bought for 25k will only be worth 11k. Keep in mind that the instant you buy a gadget, it’s a already 2nd hand. So the value of that camcorder that you just bought isn’t 25k. It’s 11k. When computing the value of your gadgets, always use their 2nd hand value. Buying brand new always entails instant loss of value and this is not good if you’re trying to keep the monetary value of your gadgets at a constant. When deciding whether to get brand new or 2nd hand, ask yourself what you’re paying extra for and if it’s worth it

Depreciation rate: Most electronic gadgets tend to be sold at a huge premium when they’re first released. Prices would usually fall sharply after a few months as supply meets demand and as the hype dwindles. It would stabilize after a certain point and won’t drop significantly again ‘til an updated model gets released. Introduction of new models, either from the same manufacturer or from competing brands will likely trigger significant price drops. If you familiarize yourself with the release dates of new models and the depreciation rate of a particular item, you can work out a strategy on when to buy and when to sell. It’s best to buy when the price plateaus and it’s best to sell before the next significant price drop

Depreciation threshold: There’s a certain point at which some gadgets, more or less, stop depreciating. For the last few years, the depreciation threshold for minidv camcorders has been at around 8-10k; for branded digital cameras, it’s at around 4k, around 6k for slim digicams; for entry level digital SLR cameras, it’s around 17-20k.
If you buy a 2nd hand DSLR camera worth 20k, you won’t have to worry that it’ll lose 50% of its value within the next few years. You can keep your dslr for 3 years and it’s unlikely that price will go much lower than 16k. it definitely won’t depreciate to the point where it’s about the same price as a regular point and shoot camera or a regular prosumer camera. If you don’t plan to buy and resell your items too often, it’s best to buy items that are near the depreciation threshold already. Of course this threshold won’t remain constant forever but prices rarely drop sharply after they’ve hit the threshold

Not all electronic gadgets have a Depreciation threshold. Most Celphones will continue to depreciate ‘til they’re worth practically nothing. In markets where technology evolves very fast and new models get released very quickly, prices drop like rocks.
Video cards are some of the fastest depreciating items you can buy. In a period of 2 years, the price of a video card could drop from 30k to 5k -It’s a bottomless pit so it’s highly inadvisable to hold on to such items for a long time.
Brand new or 2nd hand
If you’re buying brand new gadgets, what you’re mostly paying for is the warranty. Most electronic gadgets have very few mechanical parts and therefore they don’t wear down as predictably as cars or powertools do. there’s no guarantee that a brand new ipod will last longer than one that’s been used for a year already. It could last for 20 years or just 2. There’s just no way of knowing. Also, warranties for most gadgets is only 1yr and that usually doesn’t cover physical damages caused by mishandling. Few electronic gadgets fail in that time period so 1yr warranties are practically useless in my opinion. Additionally, the price difference between brand new and 2nd hand units for certain items can be so great that it could cover the price of any major repair 3 times over. Always weigh what advantages you’ll get and whether those advantages are worth the price difference or not
To minimize the amount of money you’ll lose, you’ll have to buy your gadgets 2nd hand. If you plan to follow my strategy, you shouldn’t be keeping any gadget for more than a year anyway so longevity shouldn’t be too much of an issue.
Buying 2nd hand: Buying 2nd hand units always entails a certain amount of risk but if you know what to watch out for, you can minimize the risk to an acceptable level. Most trading sites have a feedback system in which you could check the past deals of every member and how they all went. Always check the ratings of a seller first. ]The best forms of transactions are those where you get to meet the seller and personally test the unit. Safest mode of payment is through bank account since it’s traceable.
Whenever I do long distance transactions where I don’t get to actually see the unit, I do a background check on the seller. I’d ask for personal details. his blog url, friendster profile etc (ask him to send you a message through friendster to confirm that it really is his profile), I’d try to converse with him and check if there are inconsistencies. Weigh what he has to lose and what he has to gain by duping you. Detecting scammers requires experience and involves a lot of gut feel. I strongly suggest that you don’t do long distance transactions until you’ve gained enough experience already.

These are just general pointers. There is no universal formula that you can use for all gadgets. The key to being a successful gadget freak is knowing the product and the market. Do research. Check out trading sites like ebay or bidshot. Always be updated on the prices of items.

Once you get the hang of it, you may find yourself buying expensive stuff on a whim, stuff that you don’t really need or may not even actually want that badly… Once you’ve mastered the art of being a successful gadget freak, life becomes a lot more interesting.
Expect more detailed guides for specific gadgets from me in the future.

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

FHM mossimo event

Another set of pics. I’ll try to post an actual article next time. I’m writing an article about how to be a gadget freak like me without losing tons of money, an article on the top 10 story driven PC games. Plus the type of witty verbose articles that you can only expect from me. Expect those within the next few days. Subscribe to my feeds to be updated.

In the meantime, here are some pics from the FHM mossimo event 2 nights ago

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Monday, April 21, 2008

Tsikot transhow 2008 boothbabes

tags: tsikot transport show 2008 megamall models boothbabes

Interesting fact: Jaywalker is a photography hobbyist

For you connoisseurs of beauty out there , here are some pics I took from the recently concluded tsikot transport show at SM megamall.

Asking hot women to pose for you is not a task that your average man-geek with anxiety issues can do very easily, especially if those girls are 5’10, exotic, European mestizas. It was awkward at first but after the first 2 tries, I felt like a natural. The ladies were very approachable and they’d be more than willing to pose for you if you ask nicely

Most of the models were top of the line. If you’ve attended car shows in the past, you’d recognize a lot of them. I failed to take a picture of the infamous “megan” (I didn’t know she was famous then so I skipped her.

…I blabber. Very unmanly. Without further ado, here are the pics

Male linggo 101: difference between "cute" and "hot"


Check out my multiply for more pics Click here

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Top 10 geek chicks and rant about valentines

I hate valentine’s. I fiercely abhor this atrocious occasion deliberately fashioned to annoy me. If anyone wants to start a petition to get rid of the occasion, let me know so I may sign with unimpeachable enthusiasm. I fervently wish that this evil occasion would be banned but I’m just a single guy, who enjoys long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners. What can I do?
Anyone can get a partner if he/she would lower his/her standards enough. Just pass by recto and you’ll find more than a few ladies who are willing to sell their souls for 50 pesos. But lower my standards is something that I wouldn’t do. 3000 peso escorts are the bare minimum for me.
…That, ladies, was of course a joke. I do not patronize prostitution in any way. What I actually meant was, I am a geek and while we geeks don’t mind having a hot airhead bimbo tagging along with us for a few days, what we really fancy are geek chicks. Chicks who have considerable brain mass. Chicks who have hobbies, whether that be gaming, sci-fi, science, gadgets etc. But alas they’re quite hard to find
I’ve given you a lot of tips in the past and I’d love to give you tips on how to date geek chicks but unfortunately, my geeky brethren, I can’t… because I’m just as clueless as you. What I could do though is enumerate my top 8 geek chicks and post pics of them for your viewing enjoyment.

You might wonder why 8 and not a more conventional number like 5 or 10. Because , my dear reader, I am a rebel and I do not follow conventions.
Also, I know a few geek chicks who are a lot more awesome than the geek chicks in this list but we’ll only be limiting ourselves to celebrity geek chicks for this list. Without further ado, here are my top 8 (pictures above, description below)

olivia munn
olivia munn princess leia slave girl costume

Olivia Munn: This half Chinese half Caucasian lady is one reason why I didn’t mourn jacktv’s demise for too long. Maxx has a lot of crappy shows and I profusely lament the fact that I don’t get to see stewey of family guy anymore. But “attack of the show” alone more than makes up for the deficit-It deeply arouses the geek in me, especially whenever Miss Olivia munn graces the screen. The first time I heard her crack a joke, I said: “that joke didn’t have the remotest semblance of sense. awww”. Who cares if her jokes fail 90% of the time. Her cuteness is so sublime that every failed joke actually makes her more adorable. And just check out the picture above, in which she’s clad in princess leia’s slave girl outfit. Geekgasmotronicalistic!!!

kari byron FHM

Kari Byron: Can you actually name a guy geek who doesn’t dream about seeing kari of the mythbusters naked? Geeks in various forums profess their undying love for this red haired femme fatal in ever more immodest ways. Miss Byron has so many rabid fans, I’m puzzled why the producers of the show haven’t yet come up with episodes that would utilize her fame more effectively. They could do an episode wherein Kari would personally test the validity of the “it-is-dangerous to-run-on-the-beach-while wearing-skimpy-underwear” myth or better yet, the infamous “doing jumping-jacks-naked-will-make-your-boobies-bounce-more” myth… for the education of her male geek fans of course.

iya yotoko
Iya Yotoko: Is she half Japanese? I don’t know but if she is, that might explain why she’s so kawaii. Miss yotoko seems like she’s always high on sugar and her face animates like a Disney cartoon. Who would think that she’s married, has a kid and is over 30 ( I think). The ever bubbly Miss yotoko was the host of the now defunct show, digital tour. It was, at the time, one of the very few local shows that catered to geeks. I watched the show regularly til that bald guy, who was the very antithesis of geeky, spoiled it. I bet his pc has an onboard GPU and isn’t even overclocked. Whatta nongeeky

Katers17: I’m lazy so I’ll just copy-paste this from one of my previous entries: “She’s cute, she’s a geek, she’s a gamer, she’s a gamer, she’s a gamer, she has a good sense of humor and most important of all, she’s british. That’s important coz I fancy myself a british gentleman. I’d speak everyday with a british accent if I could get away with it”

Dil demonique: atheist, science geek, artist, market anarchist, ayn rand fan, philosophy student… oops I just came. Intellectual girls who wear glasses and speak in geek jargon are teh hott.

kristin holt

Kristin holt: Kristin Holt is the host of g4’s cheat. I’m not a big fan of the show since I never cheat in games. If I ever do watch the show, it’s only with the intention of gazing upon Miss Holt’s magnetic charms.

morgan webb

Morgan webb. Unlike some of the other female g4tv hosts, you can tell that she’s actually a gamer and she actually knows what she’s talking about. She also appears to be more endowed in the boobies department compared to other g4tv hosts.

grace park

Grace park: She’s here not so much because of her geekiness but more so because she’s a geek icon. Grace park plays the humanoid robot, Sharon Valerie and 5 iterations of “number 8” in battlestar galactica. She also appeared in command and conquer 3 as Lt. Sandra Telfair. Battlestar galactica is like more awesome than star trek voyager, DS9 and TNG combined.. you can also throw in babylon5 in the mix but it won’t make much of a difference since it’s a pretty crappy show. Here’s a confession. I have asian fetish. I also have robot fetish so miss park is like custom built to satisfy my geek sensibilities.

This article was originally posted on my other blog: Infidel boy in blabber mode

Technorati tagsolivia munn kari+byron iya yotoko Katers17 morgan webb dil demonique kristin holt grace park top 10 geek+chicks

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The november 29 coup

I turned the TV on yesterday with the intention of watching some intellectually stimulating shows from JackTV. Instead, I was treated to one of the more entertaining live local news stories I had seen in a while.

Senator Trillanes walked out of a court hearing, traversed the streets of makati with a bunch of armed men. They marched towards the manila peninsula hotel, commandeered it and called for the people to join them in overthrowing the arroyo administration. The military and the police gave them a deadline to surrender. The deadline came and passed. Swarms of troops started storming the hotel. Gunshots were heard. A tank crashed through the front door of the hotel.
Senator Trillanes seemed really determined so I was expecting it to end in bloodshed. I was sure people were going to be googling pictures of Trillanes’ corpse later in the day But alas, Trillanes and company gave up with hardly a fight

Much to the dismay of the Media personnel who were caught inside the hotel at the time of the incident, they were tied up, rounded up like cattle and forced to ride non-airconditioned buses (the horror) to bicutan, in which they were detained. They were understandably outraged (airconditioned buses would’ve been a more humane option)
However, this is a very good tactical move for the military for magdalo soldiers have a reputation of being exceptionally good at subterfuge. A number of them could’ve easily blended in with the media.
The magdalo soldier’s proficiency in disguise is displayed in the picture below in which, if one would look very closely, a magdalo soldier can be seen inconspicuously disguised as a Rastafarian “MAWN”. He doesn’t stand out at all.

Senator Trillanes is a very colorful character with very lofty goals and very creative/dramatic methods of bringing them to fruition
He believes that toppling the current government would solve the problems of the Philippines. What a non-simplistic worldview. This goes with the “let’s-give-money-to-the-poor” ideology as guaranteed ways of permanently eradicating poverty in the Philippines. He doesn’t share with us his alternative solution because he knows that the Filipino masses want to use their brains. He intends to make us use our brains by making us guess what his plans are.

Senator Trillanes used a lot of fighting words. He said he was ready to die. He said he wasn’t going to back down. His confidence and charisma were so intense, hypnotic and overflowing that he was able to convince elderly civilians, family men with a lot at stake, to embark on a perilous, military crusade with just a handful of armed soldiers with them.
Guingona not yet dead, just dazed by trillanes’ hypnotic charisma
Guingona not yet dead, just dazed by trillanes’ hypnotic charisma

When the tank came crashing through the door though, he gave up almost instantaneously without resistance. But this wasn’t an act of cowardice. This was a selfless act of genuine heroism for he really wanted to save the civilians who were with him. The same civilians whom he kept from leaving the hotel when the bullets started flying
This article was originally posted on my other blog: Infidel boy in blabber mode

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Unwritten man codes: A discourse on the masturbation argument, merosexuality and other stuff men should know about

I’ve been a little too serious and goody-two-shoes-y the past few months so I’ve decided to be a bit crass again. My latest vids may have given you the impression that I’m a boy when in fact, I’m a man… a very manly man. I pick at least 20 fights a day and I always break the other guy’s nose… or skull... and ego, most definitely

Since I don’t wanna offend certain groups of people …too much, I would first like to say that I have nothing against gay people. I totally respect them unless they’re begging to be disrespected. However if you prefer to call yourself a straight guy, you have to follow certain protocols lest be labeled a poser. The man-race is an exclusive club in which only strict followers of its rules may apply

A few rules/protocols and terms that every man should know:

The masturbation argument
masturbation argumentThis is the most sacred of manly protocols. Most men know this innately. However, those of us who weren’t schooled properly in the art of manliness may still disgracefully ask the question “what is the masturbation argument”.

According to manly protocol, if ever a man should ask you that question, you may be allowed to ask questions about his sexual preference or the size of his member. Also, you may be allowed to kick him in the balls for he is a disgrace to the sacred man race.

So what is the masturbation argument? …A man may touch himself in a sexual manner and he will not be considered a traitor to the man race. Should a man be gifted with the flexibility and the dimensions to satisfy himself through oral means, he will not be considered a traitor to the sacred man race. And should a man be attracted to himself, he will also not be considered a traitor to the man race. In summary, the only man who may be allowed to be attracted to himself or touch himself in a sexual manner is himself. Once this rule is violated, a most distasteful and revolting act will have been committed and the offenders will be irrevocably excluded from the exclusive man club.

A most distasteful violation of the masturbation argument


  metrosexualA man may be allowed to pamper himself to a certain degree. He may be allowed to use hair products to a certain extent, he may be allowed to use artificial odor enhancers to a certain extent, he may be allowed to occasionally shop for expensive clothes to a certain extent… key words are “To. A. Certain. Extent”. Too much “fashion sense” for a guy is never a good thing. When a guy starts wearing make up and powder, when he starts spending hours and hours in front of the mirror prepping himself up; and when his clothing starts to remind you of a peacock, he has definitely crossed the border

On sitting or standing next to each other:

when two men are sitting or standing next to each other, they should always be aware of their proximity to each other. There should always be space between them. This rule should be followed more strictly if you are not in a large group and you only have each other for company. This knowledge should be innate in most men, however there are men that for some reason unknowingly violate this unwritten protocol, in public, offending the sensibilities of properly raised men around them. Two men sitting next to each other like cute little love birds perched on a branch is not a very pretty sight as is exemplified by the picture below

manly protocol

On touching another guy:

A straight man should never touch another guy gently. If he must make physical contact with another guy, there must be force. He may give the other guy a powerful slap on the back or a fist to one of his shoulders. Punch him in the abdomen or chest area.

On speaking:

When speaking, a man must always exude masculinity. This is something I recorded a long time ago but just to demonstrate to you, my curious reader, what a real man should sound like...

Test your Gaydar:
Now that I’ve educated you, we will now test your gaydar to determine if you are aware of other unwritten manly protocols. Look at the picture below
gay, offensive
If your gaydar is working properly, you don’t have to examine this picture too closely to know that this guy doesn’t belong in the club. Let us examine a few of his violations.

1.) Skinny tee with a picture of mighty mouse:
when wearing shirts, save people the discomfort of seeing your nipples. Also, if you have to wear shirts with cartoony pictures, make sure it’s not in public
2.) Overly eager face with eyes and mouth wide open:
Frequent violators of the unwritten man code have this common facial expression that seems to say: “i wanna put something big in my mouth” If you wanna belong to the club, avoid making this facial expression
3.)Can you name some of his other violations? Post your comments

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Of dignity and men

If there is one thing that a self respecting, properly bred man should hold on to to the utmost of his ability, it’s his dignity. It’s the invisible currency by which men judge each others’ worth. Some men naturally have more dignity than others. Some don’t have any at all to speak of. Dignity is a commodity that may be lost or gained in a lot of ways

A man may gain dignity by shrewdly asserting his superiority over other men, preferably in public. He may also gain dignity by acquiring a superior specimen of the female species and then brandishing her about to his friends. A man would most definitely gain dignity by acquiring an expensive car, preferably a convertible where his female could be displayed more effectively.

The disintegration of manly dignity may may be attributed to different factors. Mostly, it's accidental in nature, sometimes it's consciously self-inflicted. The form of disintegration of dignity that I’ll be discussing at length here, is the form which is brought about by “external factors” –That is, other men. Men have different defense mechanisms when they feel that their dignity is being threatened. Some resort to juvenile name calling, some try to defend their dignity by publicly feeding their ego and some just do it the old fashioned way, through brute force. I shall explore these defense mechanisms in greater detail for your education. As is the case with my other articles, this isn’t just senseless blabbering. You’ll actually learn from this article, people, so read on

wimps have no dignity
Wimps such as the one pictured above, naturally lack manly dignity and should not be seen in manly sporting events or anywhere within the sight of the general public

1.) Name calling: In any argument in a civilized setting, verbal callousness is generally frowned upon. If you blatantly call someone “dim-witted” and you have nothing to support your case …and you’re talking to a girl, not only will people think of you as intellectually unsophisticated but probably lacking in breeding as well (see comments on the article atheism vs agnosticism for examples)

Unbeknownst to the common man, there is actually an art to insulting people without making yourself look dumber than the person you’re insulting. Diplomacy can be used as a weapon but it takes skill to wield, young padawan. So read and learn. Indirect attacks powered by wit and sarcasm are the equivalent of a clean jedimaster double lightsaber swoop in the world of higher argumentation. Instead of saying “you’re dumb”, you may say something like: “Your argument formulation and Your propensity for juvenile, invective comments fondly remind me of my arguments with my adorable 5 yr old little brother" .…or something similar. Just make sure that that the words you choose should be such that your adversary won’t understand anything.

Make sure that you posses more wit and charm than your adversary before going this route otherwise, things may horribly backfire. Ego Bruising caused by witty verbal attacks take a lot longer to heal than bruising caused by even the manliest of sucker punches. I mean how many people take on chris rock publicly?

2.) Ego preservation: certain men may feel that they should prioritize defending their ego more than attacking their opponent’s. These men therefore shamelessly feed their ego in public with complements that only make sense to them. Unless you have humor in mind, it is highly inadvisable that you flatter yourself in any serious manly argument.Wait for the other guy to lay the seeds for self-flattery himself. Don’t say “my IQ score happens to be 127”. Wait for him to ask what your IQ is first. Self flattery in a verbal fight can make you look a little pathetic.

self flattery

to understand the humor, refer to one of my previous articles

3.) Brute force: When a man’s wit just isn’t sufficient to defend his dignity, he usually resorts to measures that are more physical in nature. Like verbal argumentation, physical argumentation should also be done with finesse. The initiator of a fist fight would always be looked upon by the learned crowd as brutish and uncivilized. Therefore you must know how to subtly manipulate things so you’d look like the good guy with a good cause. A good, strongly worded one liner of an opening move delivered in a tone faintly reminiscent of a line in a Shakespearean play may be necessary. “What!? I’m a son of a bitch eh? I will not stand Idly by while you insult the honor of my mother!! I shall now proceed to beat you to a bloody pulp”

One must not engage in a fist fight without knowing the proper fighting form. That is, with both fists up, torso erect and head facing towards the enemy. This is not just so you may fight more effectively but also so you will not look wimpish in front of the growing crowd of gawkers who will obviously cheer for the fighter with the better form. If the brawl isn’t going in your favor, let the crowd step in a little bit. Give them enough room to restrain both you and your adversary ...of course you must protest a little bit “don’t stop me he insulted my mother!!!”

It’s a pitiful sight When a man’s dignity disintegrates before his eyes and he can’t do anything about it. So remember, if the ego is threatened by a competing ego, defense and crafty offense are always necessary. Of course self-inflicted disintegration of manly dignity is slightly harder to correct

ugh!! Dignity disintegrating ….must pretend nothing happened …

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Worst Jobs/video clips of the day

I am supposed to take my OJT this year. I don't think I will I just can't see myself applying for a job. I can't see myself working for anyone. I'm worried that I might have to seriously maim someone while trying to argue the finer points of respect -ing me

It's just incompatible with my philosophies in life which are: "Employment is like slavery", "Bow to no master", and "world domination is the only way to go". Besides I asked my mentor stewie and he said it was highly inadvisable

I guess I don't mind taking orders from anyone long as they call me sir and they really beg for it, on their knees while making pitiful little noises like little puppies desperately begging for food.

But I'll have to take my OJT at some point and as they say, to appreciate whatever situation you're in, you have to look at people who are in a worse situation. So here's a list of some of the worst jobs on the planet

Roman Catholic Priest: No offense people but to each, his own right? It's bad enough that they have to dedicate their lives to a fruitless, pointless cause, that they have to be goody-two-shoes-y all the time and that they have to talk latin while singing while preaching to a crowd of very sleepy people ...It's bad enough that most of them were born as gay, pedophiles ...Why the do they also have to practice abstinence for the rest of their miserable lives? that is just inhumane, people!!! The average male shouldn't be able to last more than a month without ejaculating. You're gonna turn these people into rapists

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Years of dedication to Catholic doctrine gave father Mateo a permanent boner which accidentally impregnated sister dorotea

Flyer people: You know those people you see in malls handing out flyers? Some of them look relatively presentable, like they were well-schooled and yet people from various walks of life treat them like they're scum of the earth. I pass by these people regularly and let's just say that the average alcoholic overweight bum gets more respect than them. Pitiful really

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Johny gaydude, the slightly effeminate rejection addict, enjoys getting shunned and shooed by random people

Human lab rat: One would wonder as to the underlying motivations of well schooled students who participate in relatively unpleasant extracurricular activities like testing pesticides and harsh chemicals on their faces for relatively paltry sums of money. Maybe they get good incentives from their professors for volunteering or maybe they're animal rights activists campaigning for equal rights for both humans and animals or maybe it's genuine concern for scientific progress. Whatever their reasons may be, you have to give it to these brave souls for giving up their dignity as a human being for the betterment of humanity or the advancement of the cosmetic industry as a whole

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Brandon contemplates the future of science, animal rights and the collective welfare of mankind while submerged in a pool of highly cancerous pesticides

Elephant masturbator: No I'm not inventing this people. This is an actual occupation for some very luck-deficient people. This is how they make baby elephants at the zoo, in case you haven't heard. Yes it's a highly emasculating job that may be a little hard to describe to people without them laughing. "The elephant masurbator stands on a stool behind the elephant and shoves his entire arm DEEP into the animal's ass until he reaches the prostate, which he procedes to massage vigorously until the elephant ejaculates all over the place. It's all collected in a bucket."

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Shawn-the- illiterate-boy's dorky smile soon gets wiped off his face as soon as he realized elephants only have one trunk and they go at the front

Flatulence analyst: The scientific nature of the job means you're spared from what would otherwise be the very literal and colorful description, Fart smeller, which is a potentially life scarring designation. He can also poke shots at the elephant masturbator who didn't get the privilege of getting a rosier title. The flatulence analyst gets to sample various odors from various people with various gastroenterological dilemmas that make their gaseous emissions smell like anything from moldy pumpkins to gasoline. With enough training, the flatulence analyst should be able to diagnose with a fair degree of accuracy the problem of the owner of the ass from which the flatulence came. Why buy a million dollar diagnostic machine if you can hire a strapped for cash lad to do the dirty work for a very cheap sum?

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Yup methane is combustive

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